poetry critical

online poetry workshop



the window blinks as i show shrapnel to its room
mandolyn

you were a galloping glare
 1
the same one that expired
 2
sitting too long
 3
on the trellis of my eyes
 4
 
 
and there were thoughts
 5
of jumping
 6
 
 
there were times i pushed you
 7
tightening my mouth
 8
arranging my lungs
 9
for that midnight marathon
 10
 
 
creeping past the corridors
 11
of us sitting too close
 12
afraid our skin had cavalries
 13
advancing towards the drumfire
 14
 
 
 
 
and it still hurts
 15
when i shovel sunlight
 16
when it's at its heaviest
 17
drilling me with want
 18
 
 
there's a remedy
 19
riding through the fields
 20
of where i failed you
 21
 
 
i slip you into everything
 22
like a ticking valium
 23
i wait for the calm of you
 24
to detonate
 25
 
 
putting pressure
 26
on this marching plague
 27
 
 
releasing the toxins of our tale
 28
back into the air
 29
back to where love
 30
worked long hours
 31
 
 
saving up
 32
for one good suit
 33

18 Feb 16

Rated 10 (9.5) by 6 users.
Active (6): 1, 10, 10
Inactive (2): 7, 10, 10, 10, 10

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(260 more poems by this author)

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Comments:

I like this! A little dark and mysterious, but scenic! Cheers.
 — Known

Brilliant!
15 onward really gripped me in. :)
 — jenakajoffer

Yeah, from 15 on there's something in every stanza that I just love. Well done.
 — kurtosis

lines 22-25 (especially 24) and lines 28-31 are my favorites.
love reading your work, mandolyn :)
 — sweetmisery

kind of nice indy rock ballad. not much substance, but that's probably supposed to be supplied by watching the singer.
 — cadmium

11-14 is a bloody  medal!!
 — unknown

this is good for linear wordiness, sounds smart and has some groove
but for me it lacks soul or any real genuine feeling.
for that reason I think it fails on me. IMHO
 — unknown

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