| nine mystic minds and the fourth one can dance |
mandolyn
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you remind me of a man
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i knew long ago–
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not the one who yields to my bite
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3 |
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or my prayers
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your face is different–
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your beard is good, i'd like to live in it
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and pull your weeds
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this jar doesn't have wasps
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but you'd catch one, if i threw it
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i want to give you high grade sativa
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an artichoke, instead of peter pan
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on that celery stick
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yes, you remind me of someone
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who used to say 'sup'
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his sound was guitar, piano
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and feet
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his fingers were like grasshoppers
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over ill keys, or delirious strings
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but they didn't need to be tuned
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he trained them to sound beautiful
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sometimes they coughed eccentric
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creating a maze i'd sleep in
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his hand shake was the most incredible thing
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it would tickle my spine, play on my skin
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i dream of it now and again,
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how it's soft, yet pulls your wrist just so
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to remind you how brilliant
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the inside of him is–
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i basically shriveled
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when he would hug me
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that's how thirsty his arms were
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i bet yours could use a torso,
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one without wool
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once, i wanted to show him
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how the desert is shaped like a heart
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if you lay on your side,
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but he always walked ahead, in thought
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and i was afraid to catch up
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to interrupt his red-yellow song;
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his smile was daylight,
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but inside there was a war
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where his henchman died daily, but then
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9 more were born.
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so he settled himself in the fog
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because it amazed him
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it hid the pain– and hid his name,
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but there was a time, he showed me the caves,
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before the world stiffened its neck
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and yanked us apart–
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the tide was shy, just like i was
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but he liked me then,
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we were just two hand-me-downs
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looking for abstract things
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in the language of dens and vital flame
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while silence kept waving its sword
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7 Oct 13 |
Rated 10 (9.1) by 6 users.
Active (6): 7
Inactive (9): 1, 1, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(260 more poems by this author)
(4 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Add A Comment:
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Comments:
i probably went overboard- i had a fun one and a serious one so i tried to combine them in a subtle way- but i may have failed miserably, which is ok, because this is a work shop and i'm working dagnabbit. ;)
— mandolyn
Wow Mandee. This is really really good.
I would change the third line to "yields to my prayers" You don't bite that hard. ;-)
Damn, I wish this was written for me.
Now I'm going to go listen to Keith Urbans 'Stupid Boy'
— yield
nice-mandEE -- this has some wonderful musings and sounds -- the change from 'you' to 'he or his' in the third strophe changes the perspective -- perhaps stick with 'you' as that becomes my 'I' as the reader which brings me into the Poem. "once, i wanted to show him\ how the desert is shaped like a heart\ if you lay on your side," lovely allusion, however stick with the 'first-person perspective and your work will galvanize the reader further into your loving nostrum.
— AlchemiA
alch- i wrote this for 9. he reminds me of someone- that is why it changes to 'he' because i am describing the 'he' that 9 reminds me of. does that make sense? or should i still change it?
— mandolyn
Wow this is fantastic. Really.
It's poignant and powerful and beautiful.
This is for me? I'm going to have return the favor.
<3 from me!
— 9
9, i wrote two. this is the one i wanted to post first, i spend a lot of time on it, it's not just something i forced myself to write. i wanted you to know that. the next one will be fun and silly and will taste like honey mustard. :)
yield, i have callouses on my finger tips from typing my abashed heart out, because of you. so, sit.
^ see, my bite draws blood.
— mandolyn
^ *spent a lot of time. the reason i said that was so that you don't feel like you need to return the favor. i couldn't help myself. :)
— mandolyn
I understand :)
— 9
Yes Yes... I know I need to sit down and put a sock in it. I could pull all of your poems that have seared my heart and would still find others that my name has not touched. Even your silliness makes me squirm. =)
— unknown
holy cow! this could be 2 poems, mando. did you ever think of splitting it? start the second one at L34. methinks it would work out either way. oh love this i do! :-))
— unknown
^ thanks. and that is an excellent idea. i will think about it. i did think i over did it when i first posted. maybe cutting it in half would work better. i'm just afraid to touch it right now. lol. does that make sense? it's like jenga.
— mandolyn
Two poems? Are you kidding? I wouldn't split it at all. This is a beautiful string of lines. One of the best poems I've read on this forum. I have the strong desire to go back and start reading ALL of your work, mandolyn, beginning with "jupiter," posted 22 Nov 10.
(This is gonna be a loooong night!)
— clupeidae
thanks clupeidae. i'm sure you fell asleep after jupiter, if not during. all my poetry screams to be revised.
— mandolyn
This hasn't aged a bit since yesterday.
It still looks good. Still smells good.
Leave this out on the counter for weeks
and I bet it will still be as fresh as the day you wrote it.
— 9
do you really like it? i mean, you're so nice to everyone here and i don't think i've seen you give a negative crit to anyone. it won't hurt my dumb feelings if you really don't dig it. :) really.
thanks, 9. i bet you like fog and desert. i do too. ♥
— mandolyn
^ it reads like i typed it backwards. it should say 'thanks' first. wacky.
— mandolyn
Yes I do very much.
If I don't 'like' something I just ignore it.
I don't feel qualified to critique art, I don't think I ever will.
Maybe I'm on the wrong site.
On the other hand,
how can you trust someone if they say nothing but good things?
So okay, I didn't like line 4. :)
— 9
lol, i don't like that line either!!
you can critique art, you're just too humble. :)
i'm posting another one soon, for you.
then i promise i'll go back to hill billies and wasps.
— mandolyn
i changed it. i really didn't like it at all in the beginning, then i forgot about it. thanks for pointing it out.
— mandolyn
Oh yes, prayers :)
— 9
Some things I like. Some things I don't like. But I doubt my thoughts would matter either way. It is certainly, you.
— OldShoe
^ wow, shoe. i believe that is the nicest thing you have ever said to me. ever.
— mandolyn
This comment has been suspended by a moderator.
<3
— 9
Mandolyn, this is a bohemian poem verily, and I enjoyed reading and extracting the seasons from her. For portraying a soul, you yourself are a portrait, and in being so beautiful, it behooves me to tell you that you are a strange stranger, lovely in your strangeness. Love and Appreciation for your language, and your soul.
— MattPat
^^ ♥
matt, wow, thank you. that was really kind.
— mandolyn
well done. eloquent and tells a story.
— percocet
thanks, perco. :)
— mandolyn
Spine and beard; dead giveaway!
May want to say handshake as it's one word. Peterpan on celery was a great occidental image.
Nice pome dude.
— jenakajoffer
You basically shrivelled? Lol
— jenakajoffer
yes, basically. ;)
thanks, joff.
— mandolyn
This comment has been suspended by a moderator.
Is there any possibility of omitting "one" in your title? I always read it like this and it sounds nice and smooth to me. Just a thought. Which is entirely mine of course. :)
— jenakajoffer
i tried reading it without 'one' but i like that little guy...
i'm keeping it as is. sorry it bugs you :(
— mandolyn
GET OUT FROM UNDER MY DEAD TOMATO PLANTS!!!! :-O xoxo!!!
— starr
i want to find a worm! :P
— mandolyn
^ wait, that totally came out wrong.
— mandolyn
U just STEPPED on one, u clumsy oaf! SPLATT!!!! EWWWW!!! :-O
— starr
i miss reading 9
:(
— mandolyn
Me TOO! Where IS 9? LOVE him!!! Is he on FB, Mandee? Msg. me there if u know and I'll friend him. :-)
— starr
^ starr, i don't think he is. i don't think he does social media.
he is wiser than us fools. :)
— mandolyn
foreverr fave~
— sylvia
^ when you fave this, you are really faving 9 which is what i wanted :)
— mandolyn
Well, I don't even know him an I love him for that
— sylvia
sylvia! where did your poem go??
— mandolyn
I just wrote it for somebody so I didn't wanna share it with everyone else. So I hid it.
— zoso_obscene
Meow. Fuck
— zoso_obscene
It's not like everybody doesn't already know anyway :p
— zoso_obscene
I like the story here. I like some of the images.
— wolflarsen
thanks, wolflarsen
40-43 is where it started in my mind.
so i guess i wrote this from the inside out.
— mandolyn
You guys are all full of poopie,
this was soooo written for ME
— unknown
whos this about
— unknown
this is about 9
and his beautiful mind...
— mandolyn
we were just two hand-me-downs
Easily the best line I've read all night.
— hanniganau
thanks
i hope he's well... 9, that is.
— mandolyn
This comment has been suspended by a moderator.
This comment has been suspended by a moderator.
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