poetry critical

online poetry workshop



I Turn Her Up, Instead of the Radio
unknown

There's this road
 1
--I swear
 2
I feel naked on.
 3
 
 
Ghosts behind the dam
 4
twiddling their thumbs.
 5
 
 
Old tree forts filled
 6
with carcasses
 7
and burning bones--
 8
 
 
Her toes rub the dash
 9
When the birds scream.
 10
 
 
But I still drive it
 11
when I'm back home--Cake
 12
belching on the radio.
 13
 
 
Her singing in stick shift
 14
makes the bucket seat bounce,
 15
as we rip through the demons
 16
who no longer dance.
 17

15 Sep 13

Rated 10 (9.2) by 5 users.
Active (5): 9, 10
Inactive (6): 5, 5, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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(2 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

Weird ending
 — unknown

haha!! you and pants. i actually like this a lot. that dam IS spooky!!! sometimes i pray for a rock slide.

i would add some more to this though, like between the fourth and fifth stanza maybe?
 — mandolyn

pissed pants? new pants? slacks, skirts, corduroy? does it mean an erection and/or being wet (and only if the passenger is a hermaphrodite)? Or perhaps, as I would expect, is what is applied to shying away from road head, yet it isn't explicitly mentioned.

This is good in interesting gems. I like it.
 — Cerulise

lol, pissed pants. (actually, that is a good idea for L14)
i could be wrong but i am thinking it makes him man up and not be scared of L4-5. ?
but then he also likes to end his poems with 'pants' so...

as long as he doesn't change it to "your stick shift singing, makes me pant" lol, eww.

DON'T YOU DARE. this is not encouragement.
 — mandolyn

Hey, ain't nothing wrong with bawdily, provocatively written men in drag; after all, if it's good enough for J. Edgar Hoover...
 — Cerulise

drag! lololol. i can't wait till he sees that. stick shift, uh oh- probably wrong choice of words. i took it as singing up and down and off key, plus they are driving.

i am having fun thinking of a new last line for this. or at least, livening it up. but i can't help but laugh at the words coming to my mind.

'your stick shift singing
alerting my pants' -- but that sounds sexual! i'm uncomfortable with it, but it's his poem.
 — mandolyn

"Your stick shift risen also tightens my pants" seems kind of perverted, but it would apply to mano e mano events.
 — Cerulise

I've been here for awhile now. You two are damn funny. Thanks for the suggestions.
Cerulise, HELL NO.
 — unknown

YOU PUNK!
i knew you would do that. it's like the little devil on my shoulder...
 — mandolyn

Get rid of the pants bit which is a distraction in a really coolpoem
 — larrylark

Just a jest, misure...
 — Cerulise

Wow, if this means what I think it means... I have a feeling the "ghosts" and the "carcasses" are one and the same, hey? ;)
 — Silvermire

ohhh, you'll listen to the lark! thank you larry, i agree. i like the changes. 14-15 especially. :)
 — mandolyn

It's still a work in progress, I guess. Was being jovial with the previous. =)
 — unknown

Sometimes I just sit back and wonder why we want to perfect a poem so badly. Coming back to it all the time because we thought of something we thought would sound better, read better.
Then I pay attention.
 — unknown

^ i do that at times.

yield, i think you should make the last line say 'who don't know how to dance'
?
 — mandolyn

I think you're absolutely right.
 — unknown

^ you forgot 'to' in that last line.
 — mandolyn

Ooops. Thanks for noticing that.
 — unknown

I decided it needed something else. Dance and bounce were dancing inappropriately with each other. =)
 — unknown

yeah, i was going to suggest not using dancing. i was actually going to suggest something with smoke, but this works. i like it better.

'as we rip through the demons on crack'

:-D
 — mandolyn

This reads like a dream into a hush hush Dante.
 — rumpty

Thanks Rumpty!
 — unknown

Yes, very good poetry, with a small but ..

I'm guessing the 'Her' in this is the You in the title, which is the difficulty I'm having.

The lines are perfect, 1 to 3, awesome beginning, and 14 and 15 are imagery mixed with movement and sound in perfect balance.

But, it's still this 'Her' and the titular You which lets this down with the lack of consistency, but is that part of the play here? I don't know.

I wonder, what if.. what if all the 'Her's were turned into 'You's? Would that be too direct then, speaking to the You who may or may not be us, but may be the someone else You in the title?

It would appear to make sense to relate the lines to the titular You, rather than drop a 'Her' from no where into the middle of the poem. Perhaps? :)

Still, a good read.
 — jenn

What would I do without you Jenn? Thank you for pointing that out. When I first wrote it, I had written you instead of her throughout the poem and then changed it. Can't believe I didn't notice the title.
 — unknown

It happens, yield - it's no biggy, but those details make the poem.

I've had the same kind of obvious thing staring me in the face for years, and it's only when its been posted on PC ... well, you know the rest :)
 — jenn

This shit izz BANGIN'!  Like Mandolyn says, "It's spooky." and that's good that u can infuse atmosphere into your writing.  Means that you're "on it" and that you're paying attention to what's around you, pulling in all those colors and putting 'em into words.  Takes a talented eye/ear 2 do this effectively so that you hit the readers' every sense.  Kudos!  :-)
 — starr

This comment has been suspended by a moderator.

Thanks Starr! I'm glad you got that spooky feel. That place is real and it's pretty damn eerie.
 — yield

It's so ironic because it's like these are like my words. They're like my poems.
 — sylvia

This comment has been suspended by a moderator.

Good poem
 — cassell

This comment has been suspended by a moderator.

This comment has been suspended by a moderator.

This comment has been suspended by a moderator.

This comment has been suspended by a moderator.

This comment has been suspended by a moderator.

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